So before you just dive in, let me explain that this will take a considerable amount of time to complete. Also, this isn't really 100% as currently, 3 of the achievements are broken. So decide whether or not you want to put the effort in before launching/playing this terrible game.

Ok, so you still want to play it. Well don't say I didn't warn you.

First of all, it's good to have at least some basic knowledge of how the command console works, a lot of these achievements are buggy and may require you to use the console in order to achieve them. I will not be explaining basic things such as how to use the command console and so forth, their are already plenty of guides out there for exactly that.

Secondly, expect a lot of crashes, and I mean A LOT!

Finally, you're going to want to start up the game and play through it twice. One time, you'll need to play it doing everything you possibly can to be bad like killing innocents and so on. The second time, you'll need to avoid killing ANYONE and only use the taser, join the police force and so forth.

Once you've done all this, you should have all the story achievements completed. They're listed below.

These are all gained via completing the story. Both good and bad choices, meaning play through it twice!

DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON!



THE CHOICE WAS YOURS!



REPO MAN



SPECIAL OLYMPIAN



SCOFIELD



AIN'T GOT COJONES!



SAYANARA, TREE HUGGERS



ALL PERPS MUST DIE!



COMMIES GO HOME!

These ones are very strange, I, myself, had many issues trying to get these to unlock. I'm not entirely sure what I did to unlock them. I was trying over and over again to do various achievements but with no luck until I loaded the first level and then when in-game, loaded the last level of the Bad Ending. Finished it without killing anything and they all unlocked at once.

PERSONAL JESUS



STALLONE



EASTWOOD



DADDY NEVER LOVED ME



PETA CHAMPION



I AM THE LAW

Pretty self-explanatory with these ones. All working as of todays date.

Tip: You're best off playing through the game and unlocking free roam and doing these achievements there instead of doing them in the story. Aside from the taze/arrest achievements, these can easily be done during the good guy path in the story.

NEUROSURGEON
Get 300 headshots, the headshot MUST decapitate the head.



SCHWARZENEGGER
Get 200 kills with the M-60.



DANNY TREJO
Get 100 kills with the Machete.



PSYCHO DUNDEE
Get 50 kills using the Machete's alt-fire (right mouse button).



DON'T TAZE ME BRO
Taze 200 victims.
Easiest to achieve when going for the good ending via the PERSONAL JESUS achievement. Along with T.J. HOOKER.



T.J. HOOKER
Arrest 200 perps.
Easiest to achieve when going for the good ending via the PERSONAL JESUS achievement. Along with DON'T TAZE ME BRO.



SUCKTASTIC!
Suck up 500 items with the shop vac.
This can easily be done during the first job in the story. Just save at the start, hoover up all the tissues, load your saved game and repeat. You can also get this eventually by just playing the game normally.



WOLVERINES R GHEY
50 badgersaw kills.



CAT WRANGLER
50 kills using cat.



ENTOMOLOGIST
50 kills using bees. Best to throw at large groups of people.



ARSONIST
150 kills using fire. I personally used molotovs but the gas canister works too. Just throw molotovs into large groups of people.



PROPERTY DAMAGE
Smash 50 windows. Their are around 10 windows at spawn on the free roam level. Just quick save, smash them all and load your quick save, repeat until done.



PRODUCT RECALL
Destroy 50 cars. Their are at least 6 cars right at spawn on the free roam level. Just quick save, blow them all and load your quick save, repeat until done.



JACK THOMPSON WAS RIGHT
Kill 1000 unarmed bystanders. Pretty obvious, you'll get this just killing innocents on the free roam map while completing all the other kill-based achievements.

This section is quite simply a mix of all the other achievements that don't fit into other categories. Some are easy, some are ridiculously annoying.

EMO
Injure yourself. Literally just set yourself on fire, blow yourself up with a grenade or something.



FAIL ZOMBIE
Respawn 20 times. On the very first mission on the bridge. Quick save at the part where the game teaches you how to use cover behind the car, then let the 3 soldiers kill you, load your game and repeat until you have the achievement.



CAMELBACK
Piss 100 gallons of urine. This one is quite time consuming but with the help of the command console, you can make this much easier for yourself. Of course, you can always just do it the normal way, it's entirely upto you. :)



THERE IS NO SPOON
Spend 900 seconds or more in catnip bullet time. Pretty much just press alt-fire (right mouse button) when you have the catnip in hand. It'll add about 5-20 seconds per huff. Unfortunately the catnip commands are labeled as cheats so there is no quicker way to doing this. Just huff that shit whenever you can in story and free roam until you have it.



KAVORKIAN
Euthanise 30 elderly folks. This one is extremely broken, their are only 2 specific "elderly folk" in the entire game that count towards this achievement. In order to do this, start a new game on the level Police Mission 2, go outside the cinema and there will be 10 people fighting. You want to aim at the side with the old people. Walk towards them to start the mini-mission, quickly hit quick save and then mow down the crowd with your favourtie weapon, then it's another case of rinse and repeat with this one. Load your quick save and do it again, you'll only get 2 kills towards this achievement each time.
https://cs2bus.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1509890777



REAL AMERICAN
Kill/incapacitate 235 terrorists. Again, this one is extremely broken but do-able if you've got the patience. It's not actually terrorists that count towards this achievement, it's the Meth-Crazed Rhino boss that does. The easiest way to get this achievement is loading up the Rodeo level and typing the following in console.
You'll now be on the boss level, kill the ecotologists and injure the bull until he's just about dead. Make sure to quick save just before he dies (catch him mid rampage run with low health), then just quick load your game over and over... 235 times.
Alternatively, you can download my quick save if you're unsure what I'm talking about and just loading that over and over again.

These are currently broken and impossible to attain. I'm looking through the files of this game in order to find ways to legitimately earn these. I will update this section if I come across any way of doing so.

BIPOLAR
Swap paths 5 times in one playthrough.



MEGA-SADIST
200 injured or death-crawling victims NOT finished off.



CHAMP WHISPERER
50 kills using dog.