To be a barkeep, one must train in the finest points of being a barkeep. One must also make a plan for the establishment of a bar.

• Step one: BUILD A CHARACTER. Before you go online, work on your cowboy impression in terms of your voice. It doesn’t have to be perfect or realistic, it just has to be clear you are portraying the character of a cowboy. Husky, southern, etc. Think TF2 engineer. If you want to, create your own unique character from the old west and work on improvising as him/her in any given situation that might arise. You’re going to be using the server chat a lot for the actual bartending, so turn it on in the voice options menu and know how to use it.

• Step 2: MEMORIZE THE MAPS. The best way to do this is just to play normally. No matter how good you do you’ll soon memorize each map after a few rounds (this is made easier by the fact that there aren’t many maps in FoF yet!). Get a good grasp on the layout of each map and where the chests are. However, most of all, keep an eye out for a potential bar location on each map. You want a fairly large room with good atmosphere and lots of whiskey. Some maps already have literal saloons in them, with already set up bars and player pianos. With others, you’ll have to look around and decide for yourself.

• Step 3: LEARN HOW TO PASS THE WHISKEY. First of all, learn how to do the voice command. By default, you press X, then 4. Although I don’t recommend actually using it when tending bar, since it will clash with your cowboy impression on the server chat, it’s always nice to know how to do it! Second, you need to know how to legitimately pass said whiskey. It’s simple: PUNCH THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ BOTTLE. The whiskey will go flying across the room (don’t worry, it won’t break!). Work on aiming your projectiles of alcoholic friendship.

Once you master these three steps, your barkeep training is complete! Congratulations! Here’s a certificate!

But there’s no time to revel in your accomplishment. Let’s put it to use!

Time to put your hard earned skills to use!

First, hop on a server. Setting up a bar is most effective if you’ve just gotten on the server or the server you are on has just switched maps. Choose a loadout you are comfortable with and feel like you can kill people with consistently and quickly (if you’re not that good at the game that’s okay, you don’t necessarily have to do any fighting, it’s just useful to have). Immediately start making your way towards your bar location.

While you’re doing this, start talking in your cowboy voice over the server chat. Talk almost constantly, even to the point of being annoying. Your goal is to get as much attention as possible. Start by saying that you’re going to establish a bar or saloon at X location on the map. After that, just start ranting in character. Never stop talking. While you are ranting, there are a few main points that you should come back to over and over and over again:
• The bar’s location
• Everyone is invited. Come in and pass the whiskey and be friends!
• Pass the whiskey
• Absolutely no fighting inside the bar
• Put away or drop your weapons before entering the bar. Fists only inside. (You should observe the last two rules too!)

Once you get to the bar, get in your bartending position (behind the bar if there is one, near the whiskey if there’s not). If there’s a player piano, get it playing first. Keep talking constantly in your cowboy voice, announcing that the bar is open. React to things happening around you in character. If you feel like you’re running out of things to say, come back to the five main points and just keep cycling through them in some form until you think of something else or something happens that you can react to.

If the server you’re on is friendly and casual enough, you’ll amass a large following very quickly. Your bar will be full of customers. Pass the whiskey to them. Talk to them. Interact with them. Most of all, have fun! If the server is not friendly or is too competitive to stop the game for you, no one will come and you’ll get killed a lot. Just brush it off and switch servers until you find a good one.

Of course, not everyone will want to join you in the bar. There will always be a few people who prefer to stay outside and continue fighting. For the most part, they won’t bother you. They’ll just stay outside the bar or pass through it on their way to somewhere else. You should leave them alone as well.

However, there will always be that one ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ that comes into your bar and shoots up the place, getting easy kills off of your innocent customers. When this happens, first ask them to stop and put their weapon away. Sometimes it turns out to be an overzealous friendly player who doesn’t realize what he’s doing. If he doesn’t stop, then kill him quickly and put your own gun away again. If you get killed, just come back to the bar and continue bartending. You can also tell your customers that they can shoot anyone who fires unprovoked or tries to start a fight. That will get the aggressors killed quickly so you and your customers can get back to passing the whiskey.

Online games like the fine masterpiece known as Fistful of Frags wouldn’t be any fun if you couldn’t play with your friends once in a while, would they? You can have your friends in on the plan and have them help you establish your saloon. It doesn’t matter if they’re on a different team when they join your server, since you won’t be fighting. Just meet up in a good place and head for the bar location together.

The most important thing is to make sure your friends know the plan just as well as you do. Then you should all choose roles or jobs. There can only be one true barkeep after all. Here are a few ideas for roles your friends can play.

• THE BOUNCER: Good if your friend is proficient in playing FoF competitively, and by far the most practical role to have on your team. Have them choose a loadout they are good with to start, or go get a more powerful weapon from a chest (pump shotgun is my favorite for the bouncer). Once you get to the saloon, the bouncer will stand next to the bartender with his gun out and look as menacing as possible. His job is to dispose of the above mentioned rabble rousers quickly, so the barkeep should call attention to him when talking about the no fighting policy. I usually have the bouncer keep silent in terms of the server chat, but make liberal use of the “pass the whiskey” voice command.

• THE SHERIFF: Have the sheriff suddenly walk in after the bar has been established a while and ask the barkeeper if he has a permit to establish a saloon in this town. What happens after is up to you.

• THE DRUNKEN ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥: He poses as a customer initially, acting more and more like he’s had too much to drink over the server chat. Then he tries to punch the barkeep. A fight ensues.

• THE RIVAL BARKEEP: Have him pose as a customer initially, and then suddenly shout, “this place sucks” and walk out, or do something similar. Then have him try to set up a rival bar. A duel or something of the like ensues. If you want, he can also suddenly kill the original barkeep and take over his job.

• MAKE UP YOUR OWN

Adding people who can play different parts makes for increasingly crazy scenarios. Experiment a little bit with having different characters interact and see what happens!

I only have one thing to say: GO FORTH AND ESTABLISH BARS!

...

God I hope this catches on.



Sincerely,

Sir Chapsley von Chappington III Esquire, Knight of the Order of the Onyx Ninja and head barkeep of the Madman's Saloon in the town of July