First you need to prepare your body and your soul in order lto let girl's soul enter your spirit (no its not like The Exorcist, don't worry). First of all buy all of those things mentioned below, those things will be needed later on:

• Tuxedo
  
• Playboy Perfume
  
• Deodorant
  
• Hair Gel
  
• A pack of condoms
  
• Handcuffs
  
• Bleach
  
• Gasoline
  
• Man-sized bag
  
• A bag of jellybeans
  
• Sulfuric Acid
  
• Pack of confetti
  
• A lighter

First things will be used to lure a flesh of virgin into your house zone. Things starting from bleach and below will be used for an emergency situation...

I swear to god you are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥...you need to first know how to talk to chikis (thats how you call girls in Montana). You need to show woman your dominance, while being nice. Your right hand worship most likely destroyed any sense of sexyness, so take a look on how to, and how to NOT get laids below:

Incorrect way:

Some idiot that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ me online: So have you seen any movies lately?
Sexy Choka: Sorry, I don't watch movies.
Some idiot that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ me online: Oh, um oh right, do you read books then?
Sexy Choka: Yeah I love books! You read them too?
Some idiot that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ me online: Yes! Have you heard of [insert book name that nobody knows here]
Sexy Choka: It's my favourite! Can I come to you tonight so we can read together?
Some idiot that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ me online: My pleasure, here is my number.

Correct way:

Miomiowski ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Casanova: Hey babe, what you doing tonight huh?
Sexy Choka: Uh it's not your problem!
Miomiowski ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Casanova: You have so big breast baby, may I touch them? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Sexy Choka: Get away, or I will call the police!
Miomiowski ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Casanova: Damn girl, you r so hot that my pingis just wants to be in Uranus ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Sexy Choka: Ok that's it!
Miomiowski ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Casanova: DON'T YOU DARE YOU LITTLE BETCH
Sexy Choka: HELPP!! AAAAA
*screaming intensifies*

The second way is obviously correct so this guide's content will strongly rely on it.

You ready horny boi?

This way will strongly rely on the talking part of the ''date''. First things first, invite any woman for a charming date in restaurant. It can be any woman whatsoever since this way in most cases works always (yes you can also invite your mom if you are so desperate). After that wear up your tuxedo, use deodorant and perfume in order to drive away the smell of sperm and masturbation, use your hair gel and make some sexy hairstyle.

Now, I think we are rea...no wait no...WHY WOULD YOU...OMG WHY WOULD YOU PUT A HAIR GEL ON YOUR ♥♥♥♥!? ARE YOU THAT OF A SAD MAN IN YOUR MEANINGLESS LIFE!? Holy f**king sh*t... we have a real special case right there...You are really the saddest homestuck ♥♥♥♥ ever alive...

Eh ok, I guess I don't have anything in life to do than giving some advices to nerds...let's have it over already...So quickly! Wash your dingas and go to your dream date!

Nice. Now find your dream fukgirl (or mom), and sit in front of her. Now you gonna talkie talk in such a way so that dopamine and serotonine in your chosen one's brain will make an emotional chemical reaction. Talk about everything, books, movies, internet, paper clips or even about your meaningless degenerated life. As long as you are nice to her, she will belive in ANYTHING you say.



Oh righty then Mr. ''I like to use hair gel as a lube''. Here is a good example of a stereotypical conversation with a lady of your dreams:

Mio ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Casanova:I like to ♥♥♥♥ dogs, get over it.
Sexy Choka Kardashian Sister:Ok I understand everything. So you want me to beam you up inside?
Mio ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Casanova: yes.
Sexy Choka Kardashian Sister: I like paper
Mio ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Casanova: I also do like paper. Let's do it?
Sexy Choka Kardashian Sister: Yeah sure I guess. I like melons and pineapplebutter jelly
Mio ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Casanova: Nice

Just follow the direction of this conversation and it should work.

Finally! I'm really proud of you (nah I'm not)! Now you can do following things ith her:

• Make babis with her
  
• Put your sausage into her keyhole
  
• Make a conversation with her about the political crisis in your country
  
• Feed her with jellybeans and water
  
• Transform her into a jet, and fly over to Haiti

After all of this suffering and eternal pain of the core of your soul, you finally did it. Grats, you f*king idiot!

Following method may only be used if you are not that good at seducing women with your voice (or a Text To Speech software, if you sexually indentify yourself as a iTouchless Inteligent Vacuum Cleaner™). In addition to standard gear take with yourself handcuffs and condoms...

During the date try your best to keep the lady of your dreams (or nightmares) at the table. You can achieve this by buying her something very expensive and shoving it into her eyesight, or just buying some food (cuz y'know ladies like to eat when they are scared).

Now take out your handcuffs...and when the chiki chiki choka will look away...BOOM! TIE HER LEG INTO THE TABLE! BRILLIANT! Now she can't ever escape! Now quickly take out your condoms...and put one on your face! Now crawl on the table and present to her your breakdancing skills.

Damn moves m8. Now take down your pants and shirt, smear some food on your belly, and throw yourself on the table making 360 spin in the air.

Now all the ladies in the bar should be yours! Nothing can go wrong in this situation honestly! Take your sexy charmed lady into your van and show her some love...broom broom now you are a real ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥™ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

S*IT S*IT *S*IT *F*CK *USSY D*CKS ♥♥♥♥♥♥ NIGER KU'RWA CHEEKI BREEKI C'YKA BLY'AT YOU ARE DEAD! Or are you? I mean CIA and SCP Foundation freaks are gonna arrive here soon in order to contain your wild winker, but maybe you can survive. Quick! Get into your van and drive away into the nearest military base. Now if you had read the first section of my guide you probs bought Bleach, Gasoline, Jellybeans, Sulfuric Acid, a bag, Confetti pack and a lighter...


Arrived at the military base? Great, now use your ninja skills in order to sneak onto the base, and go into the nearest jet/plane. Now eat the jellybeans and drink Bleach + Gasoline. Now pour the Sulfuric Acid into the engines. After that wear a bag on your head in order to look like a moron, and eat whole Confetti Bag. Now tie yourself on the jet's/plane's ceiling and wait. Now in your stomach a powerfull chemical reaction between Clorox, Methane, Jelly and Confetti will happen, creating a warm, colorfull, jelly flavoured gas that will quickly escalate into your lower intestines...

Now once the time will come...take out the lighter and light near your a'ss right before you fart....now two things can happen. You will either ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ explode, or a gas coming in contact with fire will increase its temperature to about 18 032 degrees Fahrenheit. Your guts will melt instantly, however this temperature coming in contact with Acid poured onto the engines will trigger extremally powerfull atomic reaction, which will generate the power greater than 10000 Hiroshima bombs.

You and your plane will be proppelled at the speed greater then light speed, reaching universe's border in 2 minutes. Once the plane (or a fricking jet, who cares) will hit the border...a powerfull chain reaction on the sub atomic level will happen which will destroy all that is alive and universe itself.

Oh right I think that you should get atleast one lover in this moment. Wait what? You said that everything failed and every women on the world hates you know!? Well ♥♥♥♥, but I have a great solution for that. Beware that this is a tricky technic for getting chokis, so beware kiddo...
WARNING: Only kool kiddos karollos the wiggos allowed past this point!

Your goal here is to summon satan himself, and trigger a trauma for him by showing him the most cancerous video on this planet earth. This will cause him to turn you into a half man, half pig, half horse, which are the 3 most attractive things for women. For ritual you will need:

• 5 Blueberry Candles
  
• 9 USA Election votes from half a year
  
• 11 Pics of boobs
  
• Strawberry jam
  
• A lighter
  
• A pet named Steve
  
• A condom

Now follow all of my instructions and you should not die in the pits of hell (probably):

• Make a pentagram out of candles, and lit them all on fire
  
• Put 9 votes in the middle of the circle
  
• Put 11 pics of women's chest in the middle of the circle
  
• Smear the strawberry jam on your belly, and let the pet named Steve lick it, while dancing Russian folk dance with an condom on your face.

While dancing say ''I like paper'' (pronounced Avi sanctum kurtum cavatunus). Now a fiery portal should open...hearing terrifying screams of the damned souls and John Wayne Gacy from hell you see him...

Drum rolls please!

ITS

ITS

ITS

ITS


THE SATAN HIMSELF!!!

Now as he says ''Why had you summoned me my child?'', you quickly put up your Ipad with this video playing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzywrX10Igc

As he backs off terryfied, saying ''God is dead, and we had killed him'', he quickly transforms into a George Clooney, turning you and your pet Steve into a Man-Horse-Pigs!!!! Just take a look:
Isn't it the most hot thing on the entire planet!? Now you as you control the minds of all the women you can:

• Duck them all betches
  
• Make them make you a delicious tuna sandwich
  
• Make them massage you
  
• Force them to watch Drama Alert and Joey's World Tour's videos tills their bodies explode from the cringe
  
• Force them to lenny ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Enjoyed the guide? Got so much chokas that your heart desires? Wanna more, obviously correct tips and guides?

Here are few suggestions:

• How to become a rap god
  
• How to W1 + M1
  
• How to lenny efficiently ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  
• How to make a meme
  
• How to paper (yes ''How to paper'')
  
• How to explode

Me and my niggler Faith-Otaku (currently under the disquise as of a result of our last guide) also made some other guides, be sure to check them out my ammigos:

http://cs2bus.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=567245428

http://cs2bus.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=757544339

http://cs2bus.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=757831662

Thanks and have fun with your sexy chikas you sexy basturds ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)